I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
