In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
