Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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