I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
