Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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