this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
