My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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