Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
