I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
