party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
