Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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