Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
