get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
