This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
