When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
