remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
