He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
