Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
