Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
