He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Someone came in the potted fern
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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