oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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