I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
