4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
