i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
