last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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