I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
