9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
