would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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