No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
