Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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