Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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