can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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