So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
