I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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