I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
