My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
