you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
