Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
