im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
