totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
