saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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