cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
