2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
