never play flip cup with pint glasses
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i love accidental penises.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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