dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
