I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
