I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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