The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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