He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
