When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
