Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
